Moments from the past...

I was the happiest person in the world when I found out you were growing inside me July 16th, 2009, remember it like yesterday........ I was even more happy & excited when I found out you were my 1st son, October 18th, 2009..., And then my world stopped....., January 30th, 2010. Holding you for hours I will cherish it forever. I wish it could have been forever. I loved just the thought of you as I was planning second pregnancy. I loved you even more when you were growing in my womb. I loved you the most when I held you so peaceful and quiet. I think of you all the time Jaydan that is how I know your always with me.... It's not as sad anymore to think of you, what makes me more sad is when people don't talk about you. I love talking about you, it's how I keep your memory alive. Sister Jordan is so proud she always talks about you. It Makes me smile, Jaydee kisses your baby footprints I have tattooed on my foot.... Your so loved. And thank you for the beautiful gift Jaydee Rae. She helped heal our hearts... I have another miracle growing inside me. Please watch over us angel of protection. Bless us with another son to love here on earth. It's my strongest desire. The first bond is when mother hears a babies heart beat. And then from the inside baby hears mommy's heart beat day and night! It's true everlasting love! I love you more and more and miss you the most Love Momma Lindz

Note to Angel Whispers to say thank you

Angel whispers..., How you've helped my family...  I will never forget the voice on the other end of the telephone listening to my story I was sharing. She knew exactly how I felt. It was so hard for me to find the courage to call. I was so numb and for weeks after my baby Jaydan's still birth, everything was a blur. My body was in so much shock trying to protect me from a broken heart.  I couldn't talk to anyone.  I spent so many days crying out no no no and stayed in bed trying to sleep and wake up from this awful nightmare. Only to wake up and re live the pain of baby loss. After I finally found strength to call I heard that comforting voice that gave me hope. Family day 2010 only weeks after Jaydan had went to heaven I received my care package from Angel whispers. I still have everything I hold on to forever and treasure. I had a hard time going to support meetings but I did finally find that strength. Again Angel whispers giving me strength I didn't know I had.  When my husband and I went i finally realized I am not alone. I felt so alone and the one thing that helped me was hearing other stories. Although I feel sad that so many families suffer the most traumatic, painful and everlasting heartache of baby loss. I only feel comfort from angel whispers. Comfort from the caring voice on the other line and comfort from the support group and comfort from news letters. I am never alone!  From my aching heart that found hope and comfort I truly cant thank angel whispers enough. Yours sincerely & truly  Lindsay Pincemin Baby Jaydan's momma who thinks about him every single day!  My rainbow baby Jaydee Rae lives with Jaydan's spirit. 

Special Treasure

It's been so long, so hard to write sometimes... Your always on my mind. I write my blog in my head all the time. But sitting down reading past post and new post I still cry and cry. I still get that sharp pain inside because I miss you. I want another son in my life more then anything. So this is one thing I wanted to share. I bet every women after taking a pregnancy test throws it away... Well for some reason I saved yours Jaydan. Jordan had her 1st dance concert dec 4th, 2011. We were all home up in our bedroom, Jordan had to put lipstick on for concert so I had bright red samples and she wanted to apply to my lips, it was cute and I looked hilarious. Ty was fixing our bed that I had to move because lil' sister Jaydee tossed my iPod behind the bed. Tyler brings me this positive pregnancy test that reassured me once again how alive you were. It sometimes feels like a terrible nightmare. I just started crying the tears pouring like rain. But then I remembered the day I took the test and how I was so so very happy you were growing inside me. I was happy I saved the test and kept it by my bed side. You made me so happy and have taught me the most important life lesson. Appreciate the moment, slow down enjoy your babies and childrens every breathe. You never know what will happen next. And parents are never prepared to deal with the death of a child. It's so hard to face. I hear your name everywhere we go, parent volunteer at school they announce over the intercom Jaydan to the office and then repeat sorry that was an accident and call on another boy student. Was that a sign your always with me. At the park never fails there is a family with a Jaydan beside us. Swimming it seems everywhere i go.. I can only think that means it's a sign your always with us. And now lil sister in your memory named specially after you... Jordan wanted race cars etc for Christmas and Jaydee takes the car and makes car sounds just like a little boy would. She has your spirit Jaydan. We just celebrated Jaydee's 1st Birthday, had her party on the 14th of January. This has been a dry winter no snow at all. Until that day of her birthday party friends and family gathered it was perfect and when we left it was snowing. The snow flakes falling let us know your thinking of us. Just like it snowed the day I delivered you and kissed your perfect lil' face goodbye. I kissed every inch of you goodbye. And it snowed on your due date March 18th, 2010. I love those signs and I know your with me close by. In spirit not touch. Jaydan I wanted you so bad I waited 8 months and I will wait until we meet again. I know you have angel wings up in the beautiful Heavens. Can you please bless us with another baby boy soon. No one will ever replace you I just want the chance to see what it's like to have a son on earth. My heart misses your heart. I love you. God bless you baby Jaydan. God bless everyone. Daddy,Mommy big sister Jordan and little sister Jaydee think of you always and miss you more and more everyday

Dedicated to my Angel Jaydan

Bonded by the beating of our hearts...

It's Mother's Day twenty eleven and it would be even better if you were here too.. A year old just learning to walk and talk. I wonder what you would look like and sound like? I'll never know
One thing I did know about you, was the sound of your beating heart. That is how I know you best. I heard your heart beating at 12 weeks into my pregnancy, and I will never forget how happy I was to have you growing inside me. And every day you grew inside me, all you heard all day was the sound of my heart beating. Our family was so excited to meet you. We cry every time we think of you cause we miss you more than anything. I am so sad your gone forever..........
I never thought we got to know eachother, but we did. We knew the sound of eachothers heart beats. You were in my womb for 33 weeks and heard my heart beating with love for you. I heard your heart beat many times and I will always cherish those moments. I just wish I could change the way things ended Jaydan. I will blame myself for the rest of my life.
We will always be bonded by the sound of our hearts beating. Love you Lil' Prince Pincey. (That would have been my nickname for you).

I will always cry every time I write and think of the pain of losing you. Time heals everything but time will not ease my pain, it hasn't yet....
My heart misses your heart.

Happy Mother's Day to me from my angel baby oxoxox
Only god knows when I'll see you again.
I would do anything to hold you close again. Touch your cute little face and kiss your forehead.
Your never really gone cause your memory still remains

We have a really special song dedicated to you.
When I see you again - Emerson Drive



My heart really misses your heart Jaydan
I wish you could be here especially today
I love you baby boy. My one and only Angel.
Bye once again
Kisses to Heaven

Cherish the past..................

The anniversary of your death has come and gone... I dont know how I survived all those painful days. How did I survive delivering a baby that was so quiet and cold? I couldn't warm you up or change anything. It was all beyond my control. So frustated to this day. And now I made it through another pregnancy and deilvered a baby girl, Jaydee Rae that was crying and warm. What I struggle with is, I lost you little baby boy but now I have a precious baby girl. It is so hard to believe if you were here Jaydee would not be. She would be just a thought. And she is here and your not. You never had the chance to meet us.
We didn't get to make a lifetime of memories. I don't understand and never will.......

I received a phone call after Jaydee was born and a family had to go through the pain of losing a baby. It is so painful and I truly wish no one had to feel this awful heartache. The reason they called me is because they received a special teddy bear in Jaydan's memory. You have touched our lives forever and now another baby is with you in Heaven leaving only an Angel teddy bear behind to stay with the parents. The couple was so touched and really appericated the white angel teddy bear with a special note from us to them. They want to call and say thank you. I have not heard from them yet and I completely understand why.... I didn't want to talk to anyone or see anyone for weeks and weeks months and months. I still can't believe I survived all those painful days. And my poor little Jordan had a sad Mommy. She is so happy and positive and was my only reason for living & surviving those dark days.....

Why do I blog and write? It's my way of keeping your memory alive.
January 30th is a day that is dedicated to only you Jaydan. We released balloons and thought about you all day long. We had our close family over and had dinner and that is the only way I could make it through that painful day. Is having support from my family. So thank you to my family and the kind messages from my true friends. Thank you for acknowledging Jaydan on that day. It hurts so bad when people don't want to talk about him. There was certain people that I thought would acknowledge him and didn't. That did not go unnoticed and it was very hurtful to me. Jaydan is apart of our everyday life, conversations and his sister's will always remember him and talk about their baby brother who never had the chance. Our family will always think about Jaydan

Jaydan every time I look at your baby sister Jaydee Rae I see your little lips and chin. It's amazing that she resembles you... Jaydee is Jordan's little twin 4 1\2 years younger. Except that one special feature. Your lil chin so we have a little piece of Jaydan that is very alive...

We miss you more then ever.. Every second of the day we think about how perfect our lives would be if you were here and we never had to suffer with the death of a child. So very unfair.
With that said we still feel lucky and hopeful because I have the most beautiful little girls... and my special Angel baby watching over us.
Family day twenty eleven without you.....
Bye again sleeping Angel so peaceful and perfect
I miss you
oxoxoxoxoxoxox

Angelversary

I still cry for you everyday...I just can't help but blame myself. I have new baby and she is due to arrive any day now. I needed her to give me hope again. My entire life has changed so much the day you went away. I can't believe that day is almost a year ago. I still can't believe it. Or I just don't want to believe it. It all just seems like a bad dream to me.

The only way I have survived is my family that has supported me and been close by my side through everything. My sister and mom who are my hero's and my dad who can still make me laugh when I am sad... My main reason to be strong and survive is the one and only Jordan. I strive to be the "perfect Mommy" so I had no choice but to try my best for Jordan. My sunshine on a rainy day. And now my ray of hope. Jaydee Rae who can join us any day now. Mommy is waiting to meet you and hold you so close and kiss you over and over and tell you I love you from the bottom of my heart. That is my hope. Family & love. It's all you need to battle any pain from loss. So I can't thank god enough for my family.......

Jaydan did you get our messages to Heaven on Christmas Day. I can only hope. I bought special balloons with stars because you are our shinning star. Your family wrote special messages and we all cried and sent our star balloons in to the night sky. They went right towards your star....

We have a blue teddy bear from Nanna. So we named it Jaydan. It was for your display but one day Jordan wanted to play with it. Ever since that day Jaydan the teddy bear is always in her arms. She sleeps with Jaydan now and talks to the teddy bear all the time. I think it's the most special little bond ever. She is well aware it is just a teddy bear and not the real Jaydan. She tells me "I know Mom, it's just the pretend Jaydan." My Brother Jaydan is sleeping in Heaven. I love how she talks about you everyday. Sends "Prays" to Jaydan every night. I am so lucky to have such an understanding little girl who will never forget her lil brother although she was only 3 years old the day Jaydan went away......

Daddy has also found a way to watch you play hockey....? Sorta (since we will never get the chance) He has created a lil' hockey player named Jaydan Pincemin on NHL slap shot. His more recent video game. So you start off as a little Pee Wee and make your way to the NHL. It is so cute to watch you skate around the ice with your name on your Jersey and your number 18 (representing your due date) Right now your just this lil child playing hockey on a pond, we get to watch u grow and Daddy is so good at video games so one day soon you will be playing in the NHL. It's just another way of making you apart of our daily life. You will always be apart of us and we will honour you in any way we can.

I sure wish you were alive baby boy so I could thank you for the most important lesson in life that only you have taught me. To be more grateful and enjoy the moment. You have changed me and you will never know how thankful I am. I just wish it didn't have to be this way.

You're our Angel of protection & we are honoured. Little sister will know everything about you. Thanks for watching over us.

You sleep in peace and catch our warm kisses to Heaven

I love you with all my heart
Mommy
Mwuahhhhhhhhhh

Note from Aunty

They say there is a reason
They say time will heal
But neither time nor reason
will change the way we feel
For no one knows the heartache
That lies behind our smiles
No one knows how many times
we've broken down and cried
The tears in our eyes we can wipe away
The ache in our hearts will always stay.....

Always thinking of you and our tiny lil' Angel up in Heaven ^J^
The only tiny Angel in our lives.
Love Aunty Kelly

Yes please don't call my children that are living here on earth, Angels.
I only have one Angel and he lives in my heart.

This letter is from Aunty, it is exactly the way we all feel.
Sister Jordan, Daddy, Momma, Nanna & Pappa.
We miss you more then anyone will ever know.

Our Christmas wish is to celebrate your 1st Christmas Jaydan. Since you are only here in spirit and in our hearts it's hard not to be sad. I want to wish you a Merry Christmas and the only we can is to send balloons to heaven. So i have a stocking with your name Jaydan, we will all write special messages for you and attach them to balloons and send them to Heaven. I want to include you this Christmas and always...........
Look for 6 white balloons on December 25th with Christmas wishes for Jaydan Ty
I've been thinking of you so much. I can't believe your 1st Angelversary is coming up. How I will survive that painful day is unknown. Big sister Jordan is planning to make a cake and of course send balloons to heaven with special notes from your family. We all miss you from the bottom of our hearts. Sleep in peace my perfect lil' baby boy
Miss you
Love Mommy