It's been awhile since I last wrote. I wanted to wait and write when I'm feeling positive and having a HAPPY mood swing.
Six months since we said goodbye to the most precious, peaceful baby I've met.
Every day this line plays over and over in my head; "sorry for your sad news"
The saddest news I have had to receive in this journey called life.I shed a lot of tears every time I face the truth. Sometimes I'm just getting by each day just making the best of the moment. It's so hard to explain how much you changed me baby Jaydan.
At this point, right now, today, sometimes when I watch my growing belly I feel it's you in there Jaydan. It's hard when I realize it's a new baby. That sounds crazy but it's the way I feel.I have come across people who have no clue how I truly feel.Then I have my close friends and family that are so kind with their words.
I will always blame myself. I feel like I did something wrong? I will spend a lifetime wondering what I did to deserve this. Then I read other stories that are familiar to ours. Ladies who have had to experience this awful loss. The emptiness and broken hearts. When I get together with others who have dealt with baby loss. I feel not so alone. Losing you baby Jaydan has made me feel so alone and empty. Like no one understands me.I feel like I'm a bad person and that is why this happened to me. But then I hear other sad stories like ours and it happens to anyone. It seems it happens to a lot of good caring people. I feel God punished me but then I read a book about a very religious couple that lost their lil baby. It just happens to anyone and it's beyond our control. I have to remind myself of this all the time.
Although I'm not convinced yet. I feel I could have saved you Jaydan. I should have went to the hospital sooner, paid more attention to your movements. I am forever going to hate myself. My healing is coming along slowly. Being pregnant has been a huge challenge but I think it is helping me heal. I haven't felt this happy in a long time. It's still not the happy Lindsay my mom knows best and my sister can tell I'm just changed forever. Nothing will ever be the same. But that is okay. I'm starting fresh, forgiving myself for the past mistakes and just living for the moment. Okay I must confess it's easy to say that. Some days are easy some are hard.
I think of you everyday, we are always blowing kisses to heaven. I hope you know how much we love and miss you every second of the day. I could write forever and ever. I should just write more often. Ultrasound tomorrow AM. I pray to God baby is active and health just like you Jaydan. I feel your little spirit will live in this new baby. I hope you heal my heart back to whole again when the time is right. It's too soon to feel back to normal. My body won't let me feel completely healed, not yet.
I also rented a doppler so I can hear new baby's heartbeat whenever I feel the need.
I wish you were here still.......... And that will never change.
I love and miss you more and more
Mwuahhhh
Momma
