Embrace the Uncertainty

On the 30th of October it will be nine months since we had no choice but to say Goodbye forever.....
As I lay awake at night and can not sleep, I toss and turn and then baby girl starts kicking and moving around. I start to wonder, what will new baby girl look like? Dark hair? What will her personality be like? Tall and skinny like Big sister? I can't help but imagine and wonder, and one day soon I hope to find out all my answers to my questions. When I was thinking about all the questions last night, I couldn't help but think. I will never have the answers to those questions about baby Jaydan. A woman waits nine months, 40 weeks to seek the answers. I waited my 33 weeks and had all the questions in my head just waiting to find out and now I am still waiting. I will wait a life time to find out all those answers. What would Jaydan look like when he was 2 years old? What would his voice sound like? what would his laugh sound like? His smile? How blue would his eyes be? What would be his favourite toy? All his favourites. I will never know...........

I have been pregnant for over 60 weeks waiting for all my simple questions to be answered. Most women only wait 40 weeks and then their wondering becomes reality and they get the chance to make memories and adore their precious babies. I will never get that chance with Jaydan. How un fair and un lucky for me. Trying to embrace the uncertainty is my new life challenge.

I am just so heart broken that I will wait and wait and never know what Jaydan would be like. All I know he was so active in my womb. When he was born he was perfect and so cute. According to my weekly pregnancy guide a baby 33 weeks gestation should weigh about 4 pounds and that is what Jaydan weighed in at. He was so long so I will guess he would have been tall like his Daddy. I have a feeling his eyes would have been beautiful blue like Daddy, Mommy and sister Jordan. I will never know the sound of his voice and so many other qualities and I just have to except that.
One thing I am hopeful for is, a very long time for now, I will have a baby waiting in Heaven for me. So I will take extra good care of my babies on earth and when it's my time, I will get to take care of a baby in Heaven. I will get to take care of my babies for my entire life on earth then meet up with Jaydan in heaven and take care of him, maybe even find the answers to my questions.

Rest in peace My baby Jaydan
I cry for you & I miss you.
I love you more then anyone will ever know
Bye for now

Every step I take, I'll be missing you.....

Walk to Remember was one of the best days I have had in a long time. I can't even describe in words how special and amazing it was (that description is boring compared to how memorable that day was for our family) It made me not feel so alone. The one speech I heard that day I couldn't help but nod my head to every line she said, because it was the exact same feelings I have. I am so thankful for that day. It brought me a little peace. Just like Angel Whispers has. Cindy & Kim, all the amazing ladies I've met are truly the most caring sincere people I've met. We know exactly how each other feels. And what grieving over a little tiny baby feels like. Because if it's never happened to you. or your weren't there to see just how perfect and peaceful our baby was, you can't even begin to understand what we have been through.

What annoys me at this point, is when some family or friends come over and don't pay respect to my Jaydan display. How dis respectful is all I can say. I will leave it at that.......
Jordan and I pay respect everyday to baby Jaydan's urn and display. We are the lucky ones then, to have an angel of protection to watch over us.

October 15th was Infant and Pregnancy loss Remembrance day. A day to spread awareness and Light a candle at 7:00 PM for one hour to honour and remember. Although my pregnancy hormones hit me full force that day, and I kept crying out, I WANT HIM BACK THIS CAN"T be true, I made it through another tough moment. Tyler kept saying you have to be strong for new baby girl, please Lindsay.. I was having a moment, re living the fact that baby Jaydan is never coming back.....

Then Saturday the next day, I had my first official panic attack about new baby girls movements. I couldn't feel her. I did my lying on my left side test and 45 minutes went by and I felt nothing so Tyler rushed me to the hospital and UNIT 15 hooked me up to the fetal monitors and there was that precious sound I needed to hear. 150 bmp THANK YOU GOD. She was just sleeping but woke up after 10 minutes of hearing her heart beating. And then she was rolling, punching and kicking every other second. THANK HEAVENS cuz I was again re living what it was like that night with Jaydan. Tyler and I really enjoyed hearing her heart rate on the monitors for 30 minutes. I think I will re visit unit 15 a few more times just for that reassurance I need.

It will be nine months next Saturday, the length of time you should have been in my womb. I'm going for a 3D ultrasound that day. I just have my fingers crossed baby girl performs. If she is anything like her big sister, she will be performing non stop, but jordan and I are very stubborn and I have a feeling from the last ultrasound new baby girl is going to be just like us..

We really miss you Jaydan. Next weekend should have been your first Halloween. You would have been 7 months, so fun to dress you up as a lil pumpkin or whatever. You would have been the cutest little guy alive. I am so sorry you never had the chance to live outside my womb. I will miss you more everyday and say a pray (prayer) for you always. Jordan sends prays (prayers) to you and lots of kisses. She talks about you every single day to me. And today she told me, I wish I could hold baby Jaydan. So please answer my prayers, and bless us with a healthy baby girl January 2011. I just want to give her the chance to have siblings.
God bless your little soul
Mommy misses my baby boy
oxxxooxxoooxx

Where did you go........