They say there is a reason
They say time will heal
But neither time nor reason
will change the way we feel
For no one knows the heartache
That lies behind our smiles
No one knows how many times
we've broken down and cried
The tears in our eyes we can wipe away
The ache in our hearts will always stay.....
Always thinking of you and our tiny lil' Angel up in Heaven ^J^
The only tiny Angel in our lives.
Love Aunty Kelly
Yes please don't call my children that are living here on earth, Angels.
I only have one Angel and he lives in my heart.
This letter is from Aunty, it is exactly the way we all feel.
Sister Jordan, Daddy, Momma, Nanna & Pappa.
We miss you more then anyone will ever know.
Our Christmas wish is to celebrate your 1st Christmas Jaydan. Since you are only here in spirit and in our hearts it's hard not to be sad. I want to wish you a Merry Christmas and the only we can is to send balloons to heaven. So i have a stocking with your name Jaydan, we will all write special messages for you and attach them to balloons and send them to Heaven. I want to include you this Christmas and always...........
Look for 6 white balloons on December 25th with Christmas wishes for Jaydan Ty
I've been thinking of you so much. I can't believe your 1st Angelversary is coming up. How I will survive that painful day is unknown. Big sister Jordan is planning to make a cake and of course send balloons to heaven with special notes from your family. We all miss you from the bottom of our hearts. Sleep in peace my perfect lil' baby boy
Miss you
Love Mommy
Only you shine in the night sky
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
Embrace the Uncertainty
On the 30th of October it will be nine months since we had no choice but to say Goodbye forever.....
As I lay awake at night and can not sleep, I toss and turn and then baby girl starts kicking and moving around. I start to wonder, what will new baby girl look like? Dark hair? What will her personality be like? Tall and skinny like Big sister? I can't help but imagine and wonder, and one day soon I hope to find out all my answers to my questions. When I was thinking about all the questions last night, I couldn't help but think. I will never have the answers to those questions about baby Jaydan. A woman waits nine months, 40 weeks to seek the answers. I waited my 33 weeks and had all the questions in my head just waiting to find out and now I am still waiting. I will wait a life time to find out all those answers. What would Jaydan look like when he was 2 years old? What would his voice sound like? what would his laugh sound like? His smile? How blue would his eyes be? What would be his favourite toy? All his favourites. I will never know...........
I have been pregnant for over 60 weeks waiting for all my simple questions to be answered. Most women only wait 40 weeks and then their wondering becomes reality and they get the chance to make memories and adore their precious babies. I will never get that chance with Jaydan. How un fair and un lucky for me. Trying to embrace the uncertainty is my new life challenge.
I am just so heart broken that I will wait and wait and never know what Jaydan would be like. All I know he was so active in my womb. When he was born he was perfect and so cute. According to my weekly pregnancy guide a baby 33 weeks gestation should weigh about 4 pounds and that is what Jaydan weighed in at. He was so long so I will guess he would have been tall like his Daddy. I have a feeling his eyes would have been beautiful blue like Daddy, Mommy and sister Jordan. I will never know the sound of his voice and so many other qualities and I just have to except that.
One thing I am hopeful for is, a very long time for now, I will have a baby waiting in Heaven for me. So I will take extra good care of my babies on earth and when it's my time, I will get to take care of a baby in Heaven. I will get to take care of my babies for my entire life on earth then meet up with Jaydan in heaven and take care of him, maybe even find the answers to my questions.
Rest in peace My baby Jaydan
I cry for you & I miss you.
I love you more then anyone will ever know
Bye for now
As I lay awake at night and can not sleep, I toss and turn and then baby girl starts kicking and moving around. I start to wonder, what will new baby girl look like? Dark hair? What will her personality be like? Tall and skinny like Big sister? I can't help but imagine and wonder, and one day soon I hope to find out all my answers to my questions. When I was thinking about all the questions last night, I couldn't help but think. I will never have the answers to those questions about baby Jaydan. A woman waits nine months, 40 weeks to seek the answers. I waited my 33 weeks and had all the questions in my head just waiting to find out and now I am still waiting. I will wait a life time to find out all those answers. What would Jaydan look like when he was 2 years old? What would his voice sound like? what would his laugh sound like? His smile? How blue would his eyes be? What would be his favourite toy? All his favourites. I will never know...........
I have been pregnant for over 60 weeks waiting for all my simple questions to be answered. Most women only wait 40 weeks and then their wondering becomes reality and they get the chance to make memories and adore their precious babies. I will never get that chance with Jaydan. How un fair and un lucky for me. Trying to embrace the uncertainty is my new life challenge.
I am just so heart broken that I will wait and wait and never know what Jaydan would be like. All I know he was so active in my womb. When he was born he was perfect and so cute. According to my weekly pregnancy guide a baby 33 weeks gestation should weigh about 4 pounds and that is what Jaydan weighed in at. He was so long so I will guess he would have been tall like his Daddy. I have a feeling his eyes would have been beautiful blue like Daddy, Mommy and sister Jordan. I will never know the sound of his voice and so many other qualities and I just have to except that.
One thing I am hopeful for is, a very long time for now, I will have a baby waiting in Heaven for me. So I will take extra good care of my babies on earth and when it's my time, I will get to take care of a baby in Heaven. I will get to take care of my babies for my entire life on earth then meet up with Jaydan in heaven and take care of him, maybe even find the answers to my questions.
Rest in peace My baby Jaydan
I cry for you & I miss you.
I love you more then anyone will ever know
Bye for now
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Every step I take, I'll be missing you.....
Walk to Remember was one of the best days I have had in a long time. I can't even describe in words how special and amazing it was (that description is boring compared to how memorable that day was for our family) It made me not feel so alone. The one speech I heard that day I couldn't help but nod my head to every line she said, because it was the exact same feelings I have. I am so thankful for that day. It brought me a little peace. Just like Angel Whispers has. Cindy & Kim, all the amazing ladies I've met are truly the most caring sincere people I've met. We know exactly how each other feels. And what grieving over a little tiny baby feels like. Because if it's never happened to you. or your weren't there to see just how perfect and peaceful our baby was, you can't even begin to understand what we have been through.
What annoys me at this point, is when some family or friends come over and don't pay respect to my Jaydan display. How dis respectful is all I can say. I will leave it at that.......
Jordan and I pay respect everyday to baby Jaydan's urn and display. We are the lucky ones then, to have an angel of protection to watch over us.
October 15th was Infant and Pregnancy loss Remembrance day. A day to spread awareness and Light a candle at 7:00 PM for one hour to honour and remember. Although my pregnancy hormones hit me full force that day, and I kept crying out, I WANT HIM BACK THIS CAN"T be true, I made it through another tough moment. Tyler kept saying you have to be strong for new baby girl, please Lindsay.. I was having a moment, re living the fact that baby Jaydan is never coming back.....
Then Saturday the next day, I had my first official panic attack about new baby girls movements. I couldn't feel her. I did my lying on my left side test and 45 minutes went by and I felt nothing so Tyler rushed me to the hospital and UNIT 15 hooked me up to the fetal monitors and there was that precious sound I needed to hear. 150 bmp THANK YOU GOD. She was just sleeping but woke up after 10 minutes of hearing her heart beating. And then she was rolling, punching and kicking every other second. THANK HEAVENS cuz I was again re living what it was like that night with Jaydan. Tyler and I really enjoyed hearing her heart rate on the monitors for 30 minutes. I think I will re visit unit 15 a few more times just for that reassurance I need.
It will be nine months next Saturday, the length of time you should have been in my womb. I'm going for a 3D ultrasound that day. I just have my fingers crossed baby girl performs. If she is anything like her big sister, she will be performing non stop, but jordan and I are very stubborn and I have a feeling from the last ultrasound new baby girl is going to be just like us..
We really miss you Jaydan. Next weekend should have been your first Halloween. You would have been 7 months, so fun to dress you up as a lil pumpkin or whatever. You would have been the cutest little guy alive. I am so sorry you never had the chance to live outside my womb. I will miss you more everyday and say a pray (prayer) for you always. Jordan sends prays (prayers) to you and lots of kisses. She talks about you every single day to me. And today she told me, I wish I could hold baby Jaydan. So please answer my prayers, and bless us with a healthy baby girl January 2011. I just want to give her the chance to have siblings.
God bless your little soul
Mommy misses my baby boy
oxxxooxxoooxx
What annoys me at this point, is when some family or friends come over and don't pay respect to my Jaydan display. How dis respectful is all I can say. I will leave it at that.......
Jordan and I pay respect everyday to baby Jaydan's urn and display. We are the lucky ones then, to have an angel of protection to watch over us.
October 15th was Infant and Pregnancy loss Remembrance day. A day to spread awareness and Light a candle at 7:00 PM for one hour to honour and remember. Although my pregnancy hormones hit me full force that day, and I kept crying out, I WANT HIM BACK THIS CAN"T be true, I made it through another tough moment. Tyler kept saying you have to be strong for new baby girl, please Lindsay.. I was having a moment, re living the fact that baby Jaydan is never coming back.....
Then Saturday the next day, I had my first official panic attack about new baby girls movements. I couldn't feel her. I did my lying on my left side test and 45 minutes went by and I felt nothing so Tyler rushed me to the hospital and UNIT 15 hooked me up to the fetal monitors and there was that precious sound I needed to hear. 150 bmp THANK YOU GOD. She was just sleeping but woke up after 10 minutes of hearing her heart beating. And then she was rolling, punching and kicking every other second. THANK HEAVENS cuz I was again re living what it was like that night with Jaydan. Tyler and I really enjoyed hearing her heart rate on the monitors for 30 minutes. I think I will re visit unit 15 a few more times just for that reassurance I need.
It will be nine months next Saturday, the length of time you should have been in my womb. I'm going for a 3D ultrasound that day. I just have my fingers crossed baby girl performs. If she is anything like her big sister, she will be performing non stop, but jordan and I are very stubborn and I have a feeling from the last ultrasound new baby girl is going to be just like us..
We really miss you Jaydan. Next weekend should have been your first Halloween. You would have been 7 months, so fun to dress you up as a lil pumpkin or whatever. You would have been the cutest little guy alive. I am so sorry you never had the chance to live outside my womb. I will miss you more everyday and say a pray (prayer) for you always. Jordan sends prays (prayers) to you and lots of kisses. She talks about you every single day to me. And today she told me, I wish I could hold baby Jaydan. So please answer my prayers, and bless us with a healthy baby girl January 2011. I just want to give her the chance to have siblings.
God bless your little soul
Mommy misses my baby boy
oxxxooxxoooxx
Thursday, September 30, 2010
8 months since we said goodbye
I can't sleep tonight just thinking about life without Jaydan. I needed to look at something in your memory box tonight, so I opened it up and the smell of baby Jaydan made me go back to that sad day in our life. In your memory box is a blanket we wrapped you up in and your lil hat and outfit. The smell is all I have left. I know I'm no where close to being healed because when I opened that tiny blue box all I could was cry. The tears pour like the falling rain drops in spring time.
It's been eight months since that sad, snowy,gloomy day January 30th, to me it feels like yesterday. I'm so sad this is my life story. All I have of my baby boy is a blue box with a blanket and lil hat. And hopefully the smell of Jaydan lasts a long time when I open that blue box. I would do anything to change that stepping stone. I would do anything just to hold my tiny baby again, kiss your perfect little face, admire every little part of you. Watching you grow up, just getting the chance to look in to your beautiful eyes is not an option for our family. Enough about my pain and guilt. What about the fact that you never had the chance to live in this beautiful world outside my womb. I always feel sorry for myself not getting the chance to have a son. But what about Jaydan never getting the chance to grow old. I will always blame myself for not keeping you safe in my womb and giving you that chance.
If only I could re write my life story, the short 28 years I've lived..... This sad sad sad part of my life would not even exist. I miss you baby Jaydan, I miss you more and more each day that goes by. I would give anything to have you here in my empty arms. Cuz big sister Jordan has no time to cuddle in momma's arms. Plus she is getting so BIG. I pray to God this little baby growing in my womb arrives safe come January 2011. I have a feeling your lil spirit will watch over our family. I will have to settle for my son to be our Angel of protection for now. I have no choice but to hope we will see each other again, one day a long time from now...
I have made some very special tags (made with LOVE) for some Teddy Bears that our family is donating. I will walk in your memory Saturday at the Walk to Remember. I just hope you will be close by or watching down from heaven. PS Jordan helped with the special tags as well, she is so cute and helpful. Misses you oh so very much. Sings to your picture, touches the pictures and blows kisses to heaven daily. I just can't help but feel so frustrated because you would have had the best life with us on earth. You will have to be my sleeping Angel Baby Jaydan. Rest in peace.
Blowing many warm kisses to heaven.
Love Momma
It's been eight months since that sad, snowy,gloomy day January 30th, to me it feels like yesterday. I'm so sad this is my life story. All I have of my baby boy is a blue box with a blanket and lil hat. And hopefully the smell of Jaydan lasts a long time when I open that blue box. I would do anything to change that stepping stone. I would do anything just to hold my tiny baby again, kiss your perfect little face, admire every little part of you. Watching you grow up, just getting the chance to look in to your beautiful eyes is not an option for our family. Enough about my pain and guilt. What about the fact that you never had the chance to live in this beautiful world outside my womb. I always feel sorry for myself not getting the chance to have a son. But what about Jaydan never getting the chance to grow old. I will always blame myself for not keeping you safe in my womb and giving you that chance.
If only I could re write my life story, the short 28 years I've lived..... This sad sad sad part of my life would not even exist. I miss you baby Jaydan, I miss you more and more each day that goes by. I would give anything to have you here in my empty arms. Cuz big sister Jordan has no time to cuddle in momma's arms. Plus she is getting so BIG. I pray to God this little baby growing in my womb arrives safe come January 2011. I have a feeling your lil spirit will watch over our family. I will have to settle for my son to be our Angel of protection for now. I have no choice but to hope we will see each other again, one day a long time from now...
I have made some very special tags (made with LOVE) for some Teddy Bears that our family is donating. I will walk in your memory Saturday at the Walk to Remember. I just hope you will be close by or watching down from heaven. PS Jordan helped with the special tags as well, she is so cute and helpful. Misses you oh so very much. Sings to your picture, touches the pictures and blows kisses to heaven daily. I just can't help but feel so frustrated because you would have had the best life with us on earth. You will have to be my sleeping Angel Baby Jaydan. Rest in peace.
Blowing many warm kisses to heaven.
Love Momma
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Always on my mind
You're always on my mind Jaydan...
I can't stop thinking about you.
When I found your shinning star in the night sky I was making a wish and then right close to your star was a shooting star. I was so amazed that night wondering if maybe you were letting me know your always here just not in body.
I found out we are pregnant with baby girl. So i had to pack up all the clothes I had waiting for you. I never got to see you in your blue outfits. I can only imagine in my mind how cute you would look. That makes me cry. I have decided that new baby girl will have to wear some of your outfits because I can`t bare to pack them away in a box. So baby girl will be wearing some of your blue outfits in memory of you.
So often I feel so frustrated, angry and just mad at the world because I had to experience this. I`m the mom that wants 4 babies to raise and love more then life.I would now sacrifice anything just to have more babies. I have been pregnant for over 14 months straight now. I can`t complain much because I know ladies from my support group that have been pregnant for longer periods of time. I just pray this lil baby girl who is moving around as I type arrives safe naked and crying. Jordan misses her baby brother and talks about Jaydan all the time. When she is drawing family portraits she always includes baby Jaydan and new baby. She is the sweetest little girl and I AM SO GRATEFUL TO HAVE HER.
Our family will be attending Walk to remember to honour little lives lost.
Our life has been touched by the loss of you Jaydan so we will walk to remember and honour you. You are my precious baby boy and you have changed my life forever. I will be sending a balloon to heaven with a message just for you from your loving momma.
I always see this whitish blurry haze in front of my face. I have no clue what to think but I hope it`s your lil spirit staying close by Momma where you belong. Your 1st Halloween is coming up, your 1st thanksgiving and 1st Christmas without you. No one will understand how sad I will be. I wish I could see you again and hold you close and Kiss your cute lil face. I miss you with all my heart.
Bye again Jaydan.
Momma loves you
I can't stop thinking about you.
When I found your shinning star in the night sky I was making a wish and then right close to your star was a shooting star. I was so amazed that night wondering if maybe you were letting me know your always here just not in body.
I found out we are pregnant with baby girl. So i had to pack up all the clothes I had waiting for you. I never got to see you in your blue outfits. I can only imagine in my mind how cute you would look. That makes me cry. I have decided that new baby girl will have to wear some of your outfits because I can`t bare to pack them away in a box. So baby girl will be wearing some of your blue outfits in memory of you.
So often I feel so frustrated, angry and just mad at the world because I had to experience this. I`m the mom that wants 4 babies to raise and love more then life.I would now sacrifice anything just to have more babies. I have been pregnant for over 14 months straight now. I can`t complain much because I know ladies from my support group that have been pregnant for longer periods of time. I just pray this lil baby girl who is moving around as I type arrives safe naked and crying. Jordan misses her baby brother and talks about Jaydan all the time. When she is drawing family portraits she always includes baby Jaydan and new baby. She is the sweetest little girl and I AM SO GRATEFUL TO HAVE HER.
Our family will be attending Walk to remember to honour little lives lost.
Our life has been touched by the loss of you Jaydan so we will walk to remember and honour you. You are my precious baby boy and you have changed my life forever. I will be sending a balloon to heaven with a message just for you from your loving momma.
I always see this whitish blurry haze in front of my face. I have no clue what to think but I hope it`s your lil spirit staying close by Momma where you belong. Your 1st Halloween is coming up, your 1st thanksgiving and 1st Christmas without you. No one will understand how sad I will be. I wish I could see you again and hold you close and Kiss your cute lil face. I miss you with all my heart.
Bye again Jaydan.
Momma loves you
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Healing
It's been awhile since I last wrote. I wanted to wait and write when I'm feeling positive and having a HAPPY mood swing.
Six months since we said goodbye to the most precious, peaceful baby I've met.
Every day this line plays over and over in my head; "sorry for your sad news"
The saddest news I have had to receive in this journey called life.I shed a lot of tears every time I face the truth. Sometimes I'm just getting by each day just making the best of the moment. It's so hard to explain how much you changed me baby Jaydan.
At this point, right now, today, sometimes when I watch my growing belly I feel it's you in there Jaydan. It's hard when I realize it's a new baby. That sounds crazy but it's the way I feel.I have come across people who have no clue how I truly feel.Then I have my close friends and family that are so kind with their words.
I will always blame myself. I feel like I did something wrong? I will spend a lifetime wondering what I did to deserve this. Then I read other stories that are familiar to ours. Ladies who have had to experience this awful loss. The emptiness and broken hearts. When I get together with others who have dealt with baby loss. I feel not so alone. Losing you baby Jaydan has made me feel so alone and empty. Like no one understands me.I feel like I'm a bad person and that is why this happened to me. But then I hear other sad stories like ours and it happens to anyone. It seems it happens to a lot of good caring people. I feel God punished me but then I read a book about a very religious couple that lost their lil baby. It just happens to anyone and it's beyond our control. I have to remind myself of this all the time.
Although I'm not convinced yet. I feel I could have saved you Jaydan. I should have went to the hospital sooner, paid more attention to your movements. I am forever going to hate myself. My healing is coming along slowly. Being pregnant has been a huge challenge but I think it is helping me heal. I haven't felt this happy in a long time. It's still not the happy Lindsay my mom knows best and my sister can tell I'm just changed forever. Nothing will ever be the same. But that is okay. I'm starting fresh, forgiving myself for the past mistakes and just living for the moment. Okay I must confess it's easy to say that. Some days are easy some are hard.
I think of you everyday, we are always blowing kisses to heaven. I hope you know how much we love and miss you every second of the day. I could write forever and ever. I should just write more often. Ultrasound tomorrow AM. I pray to God baby is active and health just like you Jaydan. I feel your little spirit will live in this new baby. I hope you heal my heart back to whole again when the time is right. It's too soon to feel back to normal. My body won't let me feel completely healed, not yet.
I also rented a doppler so I can hear new baby's heartbeat whenever I feel the need.
I wish you were here still.......... And that will never change.
I love and miss you more and more
Mwuahhhh
Momma
Six months since we said goodbye to the most precious, peaceful baby I've met.
Every day this line plays over and over in my head; "sorry for your sad news"
The saddest news I have had to receive in this journey called life.I shed a lot of tears every time I face the truth. Sometimes I'm just getting by each day just making the best of the moment. It's so hard to explain how much you changed me baby Jaydan.
At this point, right now, today, sometimes when I watch my growing belly I feel it's you in there Jaydan. It's hard when I realize it's a new baby. That sounds crazy but it's the way I feel.I have come across people who have no clue how I truly feel.Then I have my close friends and family that are so kind with their words.
I will always blame myself. I feel like I did something wrong? I will spend a lifetime wondering what I did to deserve this. Then I read other stories that are familiar to ours. Ladies who have had to experience this awful loss. The emptiness and broken hearts. When I get together with others who have dealt with baby loss. I feel not so alone. Losing you baby Jaydan has made me feel so alone and empty. Like no one understands me.I feel like I'm a bad person and that is why this happened to me. But then I hear other sad stories like ours and it happens to anyone. It seems it happens to a lot of good caring people. I feel God punished me but then I read a book about a very religious couple that lost their lil baby. It just happens to anyone and it's beyond our control. I have to remind myself of this all the time.
Although I'm not convinced yet. I feel I could have saved you Jaydan. I should have went to the hospital sooner, paid more attention to your movements. I am forever going to hate myself. My healing is coming along slowly. Being pregnant has been a huge challenge but I think it is helping me heal. I haven't felt this happy in a long time. It's still not the happy Lindsay my mom knows best and my sister can tell I'm just changed forever. Nothing will ever be the same. But that is okay. I'm starting fresh, forgiving myself for the past mistakes and just living for the moment. Okay I must confess it's easy to say that. Some days are easy some are hard.
I think of you everyday, we are always blowing kisses to heaven. I hope you know how much we love and miss you every second of the day. I could write forever and ever. I should just write more often. Ultrasound tomorrow AM. I pray to God baby is active and health just like you Jaydan. I feel your little spirit will live in this new baby. I hope you heal my heart back to whole again when the time is right. It's too soon to feel back to normal. My body won't let me feel completely healed, not yet.
I also rented a doppler so I can hear new baby's heartbeat whenever I feel the need.
I wish you were here still.......... And that will never change.
I love and miss you more and more
Mwuahhhh
Momma
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Rainbow after the storm
I read some where that a healthy baby born after losing a baby, is called the rainbow baby. Because that new baby will bring calm and comfort after the storm. Days before I found out the sad news about Jaydan, I had a dream about a tornado and I read my dream book and dreaming about a tornado means something is going to happen beyond your control. How my dream has anything to do with the awful tragedy of my baby boy. I'll never know. But i guess it was true in some way cause a few days later I found myself delivering a baby, that I would never hear cry or I would never look into his beautiful eyes. Never say NEVER tho because one day I will be with Jaydan again.
I can say the last few months have been the hardest days and nights of my life. I thought I would never get better. And then I took a pregnancy test on Sunday May 16th and it was positive. So i took another one just to be sure. Then I took one more just to make sure. All three tests were positive. It happened May 1st the first try. It was meant to be. I have no choice now but to be so strong for this little baby growing inside me. I thought I would feel scared but I just feel happy and positive everything is going to be okay.I can't wipe this BIG smile off my face. Although I miss Jaydan oh so very much and this new baby has brought me comfort already.I still feel so different from before. I feel.... I don't know actually. I just feel so different.
Jaydan will be with me always and that brings me comfort too
So all my blog readers please keep me in your prayers. I want a little baby so bad. I want to have morning sickness everyday, pee every five minutes. Have sleepless un comfortable nights. I want to endure labour pains for hours... I will do anything and not complain because every moment of pregnancy doesn't last forever. For the next nine months I will pray every day that my baby arrives safely. I will try my best to keep baby number 3 safe. And Jaydan if you can hear me, I am so sorry I didn't keep you safe. I can not forgive myself and I will cry every day for the rest of my life cause I am missing a piece of my heart. That piece of my heart is just for you Jaydan. I wish you were here so bad
Kisses to heaven from Momma
Baby #3 Due January 22nd 2011. So close to Jaydan's birth date of January 30th.
Kisses sent to all the little babies in heaven that didn't have a chance to make many memories with their loving families. It's a privilege to grow old
I can say the last few months have been the hardest days and nights of my life. I thought I would never get better. And then I took a pregnancy test on Sunday May 16th and it was positive. So i took another one just to be sure. Then I took one more just to make sure. All three tests were positive. It happened May 1st the first try. It was meant to be. I have no choice now but to be so strong for this little baby growing inside me. I thought I would feel scared but I just feel happy and positive everything is going to be okay.I can't wipe this BIG smile off my face. Although I miss Jaydan oh so very much and this new baby has brought me comfort already.I still feel so different from before. I feel.... I don't know actually. I just feel so different.
Jaydan will be with me always and that brings me comfort too
So all my blog readers please keep me in your prayers. I want a little baby so bad. I want to have morning sickness everyday, pee every five minutes. Have sleepless un comfortable nights. I want to endure labour pains for hours... I will do anything and not complain because every moment of pregnancy doesn't last forever. For the next nine months I will pray every day that my baby arrives safely. I will try my best to keep baby number 3 safe. And Jaydan if you can hear me, I am so sorry I didn't keep you safe. I can not forgive myself and I will cry every day for the rest of my life cause I am missing a piece of my heart. That piece of my heart is just for you Jaydan. I wish you were here so bad
Kisses to heaven from Momma
Baby #3 Due January 22nd 2011. So close to Jaydan's birth date of January 30th.
Kisses sent to all the little babies in heaven that didn't have a chance to make many memories with their loving families. It's a privilege to grow old
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Mother's Day twenty ten without you....
Hi Jaydan,
I wish you were in my arms and I was feeding you, changing your stinky diapers, wrapping you in a warm blanket and cuddling with big sister Jordan. Instead I am shedding tears cause I miss you so much. Mother's Day has been so special for me but it would be absolutely perfect if you were with us. I know you are sleeping in peace but I wish you were here with us on earth. I am so sorry baby. Momma feels this is all my fault.
Mother's Day declaration (for Jordan & Jaydan)
I wanted you before you were born... I loved you when you were born. I saw your face and I knew that I was in love. Before you were an hour old, I knew that I would die for you. To this day, I will. This is the miracle of life.Put this on your status if you have children you love more than life.
I love you more then life, Jordan Bella Pincemin & Jaydan Ty Pincemin!
PS) I am getting a tattoo in your memory thanks to all our kind friends. Thank you
Kelly
Mandy
Scott
Carly
Catlin
Shannon
Bobby
Ashley
Scott
Lori
Dawn
Sandra
Melissa
Dallas
PPS)I planted some flowers in my Jaydan Garden. (One Dahlia just for you & Gladiolus surrounding) And today on our way out to Mother's Day brunch, I noticed a Gladiolus popping through. Thanks I truly believe that is your way of saying, I am here with you Mommy, be strong and carry on.
I love you my sleeping Angel. I miss you with all my heart. I think of you every second of every day. Catch my kisses in heaven.
I hope we can find your star tonight. it's kinda cloudy right now.
Muwahhhhhhh
Miss you Jaydan
PPS) This is the month that I will try to get pregnant.(hopefully in June tho, same due date as you then) And I know your lil spirit is still inside my belly so please keep our new baby safe.
And watch over Jordan Please. We went to the carnival yesterday and she went on every ride, wanting to go higher and faster. My brave lil daredevil.
Watch over us my innocent lil angel
Bye for now
Friday, April 30, 2010
Memorial Service
Hi Jaydan,
I received an invitation today for a Memorial Service May 30th,2010. It is a invitation for families who have experienced a baby loss. I wish this did not happen to our family. I miss you so much Jaydan.
But this is an opportunity to share your memory with others that truly care and understand.
I get frustrated when people tell me they understand what our family is going through. They have no clue and do not understand.I don't think they will ever understand. I struggle each day. All I want is more babies to share my love with.
Jordan wants a baby brother and sister so bad. She loves pushing babies in the stroller.She is going to be so helpful when I have more babies.
I am so sad because we should be taking care of you Jaydan. I had so many plans for us this summer. It will not be the same without you. But my promise to you is, Our family will enjoy every second of this life. You taught me how precious life is. I will not take it for granted.
Sunday is Angel Whispers Support group. Help me stay strong Jaydan.
Momma is so proud of you. I love talking about you.
I miss you with all my heart.
This should have been my first Mother's Day with two children. Although we have to celebrate on earth just Daddy, Jordan and Momma. I truly believe you will be with us. Your lil spirit is close to us always.
Catch all my kisses in heaven baby boy.
I love you Jaydan. You shine so bright in the night sky.
I miss you
Love Momma Lindz
I received an invitation today for a Memorial Service May 30th,2010. It is a invitation for families who have experienced a baby loss. I wish this did not happen to our family. I miss you so much Jaydan.
But this is an opportunity to share your memory with others that truly care and understand.
I get frustrated when people tell me they understand what our family is going through. They have no clue and do not understand.I don't think they will ever understand. I struggle each day. All I want is more babies to share my love with.
Jordan wants a baby brother and sister so bad. She loves pushing babies in the stroller.She is going to be so helpful when I have more babies.
I am so sad because we should be taking care of you Jaydan. I had so many plans for us this summer. It will not be the same without you. But my promise to you is, Our family will enjoy every second of this life. You taught me how precious life is. I will not take it for granted.
Sunday is Angel Whispers Support group. Help me stay strong Jaydan.
Momma is so proud of you. I love talking about you.
I miss you with all my heart.
This should have been my first Mother's Day with two children. Although we have to celebrate on earth just Daddy, Jordan and Momma. I truly believe you will be with us. Your lil spirit is close to us always.
Catch all my kisses in heaven baby boy.
I love you Jaydan. You shine so bright in the night sky.
I miss you
Love Momma Lindz
Sunday, April 18, 2010
One month old
Hi Jaydan, If you were born on your due date March 18th, you would be one month old today.....
I was checking my email today because I ordered some lil angel bears from Angel Whispers to donate to the hospital. We will always donate every little bit we can in your memory Jaydan. That is how you will live on forever in our world.I also donated to the Ride to conquer cancer benefiting the Alberta cancer foundation. But back to the email..... I came across one email ( I had about 500 emails) and it was from pampers subject, new born baby one month old today. And that is when I noticed the date. I am trying so hard to make the best of my life. My only focus is enjoying every second of my life with Tyler and your big sister Jordan. She looked at your picture the other day and said, I love you Jaydan. She makes me feel so much pride and joy. I must say having kids is the best decision a women can make.
Although I did shed a few tears when I realized the date tonight. I did realize how good our day was today, we went to the driving range and momma finally found my golf swing. I hit straight and one shot made it 200 yards. Pappa was so proud of me. Jordan had her little pink clubs out and was so focused and trying so hard I can't get over how talented Jordan is. She is so good at everything she does, including golfing. We came home and went to the field and tried to fly a kite. We laughed so hard cuz our kite would not fly high, and when it did for five seconds it took a nose dive to the ground. Then we walked home watched The Princess and the Frog for the 20th time. Best Disney movie EVER. And then we played Chutes & Ladders ( I won) hehe It was a great family day. We are aiming to have these kinda family days everyday. Sometimes momma is so sad it hurts to smile. Then I realize how close you have brought us together baby Jaydan. You have changed me forever, made our little family the closest we have ever been. Why did we have to lose you to realize how important the little things are. So unfair. I just want you to know how much I think of you, how perfect it would be to have you in my arms right now. It just doesn't make sense. All I know is I am not wasting a second of my life. I will always try so hard to smile for you Jaydan. Your big sister makes me smile every time I look at her. I will smile every time I think of you.
Auntie Kelly sent me an email, it read every time we find a penny on the ground, think of it as if our Angel ^Baby Jaydan^ sent it down from heaven cuz he is thinking of us. And then I found a penny on our front lawn. Any little thing that Will bring us comfort. Nothing will compare to having you in my arms but all these little things, your shining star, our display of you, my little, (I mean long notes)will have to do for now until I get the hold you again one day when we meet up in the place called heaven where we will sleep in each others arms in peace forever.
Catch my warm kisses Baby Jaydan
PS) we are going to try and make another baby soon, please lord bless us with more beautiful babies and add more and more love to our family.
I miss u with all my heart
To end our day we all hugged and told each other what we love most about each other:
Jordan loves when daddy gives her flowers
Jordan loves when momma kisses her
We all love how close Jaydan has brought us
We love everything about Jordan
I was checking my email today because I ordered some lil angel bears from Angel Whispers to donate to the hospital. We will always donate every little bit we can in your memory Jaydan. That is how you will live on forever in our world.I also donated to the Ride to conquer cancer benefiting the Alberta cancer foundation. But back to the email..... I came across one email ( I had about 500 emails) and it was from pampers subject, new born baby one month old today. And that is when I noticed the date. I am trying so hard to make the best of my life. My only focus is enjoying every second of my life with Tyler and your big sister Jordan. She looked at your picture the other day and said, I love you Jaydan. She makes me feel so much pride and joy. I must say having kids is the best decision a women can make.
Although I did shed a few tears when I realized the date tonight. I did realize how good our day was today, we went to the driving range and momma finally found my golf swing. I hit straight and one shot made it 200 yards. Pappa was so proud of me. Jordan had her little pink clubs out and was so focused and trying so hard I can't get over how talented Jordan is. She is so good at everything she does, including golfing. We came home and went to the field and tried to fly a kite. We laughed so hard cuz our kite would not fly high, and when it did for five seconds it took a nose dive to the ground. Then we walked home watched The Princess and the Frog for the 20th time. Best Disney movie EVER. And then we played Chutes & Ladders ( I won) hehe It was a great family day. We are aiming to have these kinda family days everyday. Sometimes momma is so sad it hurts to smile. Then I realize how close you have brought us together baby Jaydan. You have changed me forever, made our little family the closest we have ever been. Why did we have to lose you to realize how important the little things are. So unfair. I just want you to know how much I think of you, how perfect it would be to have you in my arms right now. It just doesn't make sense. All I know is I am not wasting a second of my life. I will always try so hard to smile for you Jaydan. Your big sister makes me smile every time I look at her. I will smile every time I think of you.
Auntie Kelly sent me an email, it read every time we find a penny on the ground, think of it as if our Angel ^Baby Jaydan^ sent it down from heaven cuz he is thinking of us. And then I found a penny on our front lawn. Any little thing that Will bring us comfort. Nothing will compare to having you in my arms but all these little things, your shining star, our display of you, my little, (I mean long notes)will have to do for now until I get the hold you again one day when we meet up in the place called heaven where we will sleep in each others arms in peace forever.
Catch my warm kisses Baby Jaydan
PS) we are going to try and make another baby soon, please lord bless us with more beautiful babies and add more and more love to our family.
I miss u with all my heart
To end our day we all hugged and told each other what we love most about each other:
Jordan loves when daddy gives her flowers
Jordan loves when momma kisses her
We all love how close Jaydan has brought us
We love everything about Jordan
Thursday, April 1, 2010
My little piece of Heaven for my lil Angel
Lindsay Danielle Pincemin is saying thank-you to my friends and family for my little piece of heaven for my lil Angel ^Jaydan^
It was so special to receive that on my Birthday, that is a memory that will last a life time. I cant thank you enough.
I did find my star last night and it was shinning bright.
I received the certificate proper location is MEGREZ in the CONSTELLATION OF Ursa Major. My description (Bottom star of the spoon, the little tiny one)haha
I will find my lil angel shinning bright every night.
Friends & Family please find our star in the night sky and think of baby Jaydan
He will shine on forever......
Every time your big sister See's a bight star she recites this poem;
Star light
Star Bright
First star I see tonight
I wish that I may
I wish that I might
Have this wish, I wish tonight........
She always tries to guess my wish but you can never tell your wish or it won't come true!
I miss you so much baby, I can't stop thinking about you. This may sound crazy but yes I am using this blog to talk to you Jaydan, so I hope you are listening haha And you must know how much I love you with all my heart always and forever. Rest peacefully
PS) Please catch all my warm kisses I send daily MUWAHHHHHHH
Here is a little poem for you; more like my thoughts of this moment
You took a little piece of my heart that day you went away.
I will always feel that emptiness
I will always feel sad that you are not in my arms.
People say Jaydan would want to see you happy momma Lindz
But that emptiness will be with me always.
So please know baby Jaydan I am not sad
I am surrounded with Love but...
I wish you were here with us. That wish did not come true for me And I will never understand why
It was so special to receive that on my Birthday, that is a memory that will last a life time. I cant thank you enough.
I did find my star last night and it was shinning bright.
I received the certificate proper location is MEGREZ in the CONSTELLATION OF Ursa Major. My description (Bottom star of the spoon, the little tiny one)haha
I will find my lil angel shinning bright every night.
Friends & Family please find our star in the night sky and think of baby Jaydan
He will shine on forever......
Every time your big sister See's a bight star she recites this poem;
Star light
Star Bright
First star I see tonight
I wish that I may
I wish that I might
Have this wish, I wish tonight........
She always tries to guess my wish but you can never tell your wish or it won't come true!
I miss you so much baby, I can't stop thinking about you. This may sound crazy but yes I am using this blog to talk to you Jaydan, so I hope you are listening haha And you must know how much I love you with all my heart always and forever. Rest peacefully
PS) Please catch all my warm kisses I send daily MUWAHHHHHHH
Here is a little poem for you; more like my thoughts of this moment
You took a little piece of my heart that day you went away.
I will always feel that emptiness
I will always feel sad that you are not in my arms.
People say Jaydan would want to see you happy momma Lindz
But that emptiness will be with me always.
So please know baby Jaydan I am not sad
I am surrounded with Love but...
I wish you were here with us. That wish did not come true for me And I will never understand why
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
My wish
I can't sleep right now and I should be up feeding you baby Jaydan. It's my 28th birthday today and I had planned on celebrating with my new lil baby boy and my sweet daughter Jordan. I am so lucky to have Jordan here but I can't help but wish you were here to Jaydan. Our birthdays would have been so close together if you arrived safely on your due date. I still feel so mad at myself for not keeping u safe in my womb. Why does this happen?
I have realized so much since I had to say goodbye to Jaydan. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you baby. I can't help but cry, it hurts so bad not having you here. The little things like celebrating my birthday are so different now. I will make a wish today. I hope you are with me today and everyday my little angel of protection.
Oh I am feeling mad right now but I have my Jordan to celebrate and that gives me hope that everything is going to be okay. Although I planned on celebrating with Jordan and baby Jaydan today I am sooooo lucky to have Jordan and your little footprints in my heart.
I miss you baby boy.Oh I miss you so much and it hurts not having you here with your family. I know you are here tho and I must remember that when I'm feeling so sad.
I will be making a special wish today and I sure hope it comes true......
I love you baby Jaydan with all of my heart. Catch my warm kiss in heaven
Our time together was way to short but you taught me something very important, to enjoy the simple things in life more.
Oh lord please keep my family safe
Muwahhhh
I love you my baby boy
Love Momma
I have realized so much since I had to say goodbye to Jaydan. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you baby. I can't help but cry, it hurts so bad not having you here. The little things like celebrating my birthday are so different now. I will make a wish today. I hope you are with me today and everyday my little angel of protection.
Oh I am feeling mad right now but I have my Jordan to celebrate and that gives me hope that everything is going to be okay. Although I planned on celebrating with Jordan and baby Jaydan today I am sooooo lucky to have Jordan and your little footprints in my heart.
I miss you baby boy.Oh I miss you so much and it hurts not having you here with your family. I know you are here tho and I must remember that when I'm feeling so sad.
I will be making a special wish today and I sure hope it comes true......
I love you baby Jaydan with all of my heart. Catch my warm kiss in heaven
Our time together was way to short but you taught me something very important, to enjoy the simple things in life more.
Oh lord please keep my family safe
Muwahhhh
I love you my baby boy
Love Momma
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Due Date
Thursday March 18, 2010
My Dear Baby Jaydan,
Although our time together was so brief, you changed my life forever....
I can not hold you in my arms today,
but you are close to me always.
In my heart is where you belong for now. And one day I will hold you close again.
Until then I will think of you daily and miss you always....
It snowed on the day I gave birth to you January 30th, 2010
And today was your due date and it's snowing.
You are my little Winter Angel
I love you baby Jaydan
Catch my warm kiss Mwuahhhhh
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