8 months since we said goodbye

I can't sleep tonight just thinking about life without Jaydan. I needed to look at something in your memory box tonight, so I opened it up and the smell of baby Jaydan made me go back to that sad day in our life. In your memory box is a blanket we wrapped you up in and your lil hat and outfit. The smell is all I have left. I know I'm no where close to being healed because when I opened that tiny blue box all I could was cry. The tears pour like the falling rain drops in spring time.

It's been eight months since that sad, snowy,gloomy day January 30th, to me it feels like yesterday. I'm so sad this is my life story. All I have of my baby boy is a blue box with a blanket and lil hat. And hopefully the smell of Jaydan lasts a long time when I open that blue box. I would do anything to change that stepping stone. I would do anything just to hold my tiny baby again, kiss your perfect little face, admire every little part of you. Watching you grow up, just getting the chance to look in to your beautiful eyes is not an option for our family. Enough about my pain and guilt. What about the fact that you never had the chance to live in this beautiful world outside my womb. I always feel sorry for myself not getting the chance to have a son. But what about Jaydan never getting the chance to grow old. I will always blame myself for not keeping you safe in my womb and giving you that chance.

If only I could re write my life story, the short 28 years I've lived..... This sad sad sad part of my life would not even exist. I miss you baby Jaydan, I miss you more and more each day that goes by. I would give anything to have you here in my empty arms. Cuz big sister Jordan has no time to cuddle in momma's arms. Plus she is getting so BIG. I pray to God this little baby growing in my womb arrives safe come January 2011. I have a feeling your lil spirit will watch over our family. I will have to settle for my son to be our Angel of protection for now. I have no choice but to hope we will see each other again, one day a long time from now...

I have made some very special tags (made with LOVE) for some Teddy Bears that our family is donating. I will walk in your memory Saturday at the Walk to Remember. I just hope you will be close by or watching down from heaven. PS Jordan helped with the special tags as well, she is so cute and helpful. Misses you oh so very much. Sings to your picture, touches the pictures and blows kisses to heaven daily. I just can't help but feel so frustrated because you would have had the best life with us on earth. You will have to be my sleeping Angel Baby Jaydan. Rest in peace.

Blowing many warm kisses to heaven.
Love Momma

Always on my mind

You're always on my mind Jaydan...
I can't stop thinking about you.
When I found your shinning star in the night sky I was making a wish and then right close to your star was a shooting star. I was so amazed that night wondering if maybe you were letting me know your always here just not in body.
I found out we are pregnant with baby girl. So i had to pack up all the clothes I had waiting for you. I never got to see you in your blue outfits. I can only imagine in my mind how cute you would look. That makes me cry. I have decided that new baby girl will have to wear some of your outfits because I can`t bare to pack them away in a box. So baby girl will be wearing some of your blue outfits in memory of you.

So often I feel so frustrated, angry and just mad at the world because I had to experience this. I`m the mom that wants 4 babies to raise and love more then life.I would now sacrifice anything just to have more babies. I have been pregnant for over 14 months straight now. I can`t complain much because I know ladies from my support group that have been pregnant for longer periods of time. I just pray this lil baby girl who is moving around as I type arrives safe naked and crying. Jordan misses her baby brother and talks about Jaydan all the time. When she is drawing family portraits she always includes baby Jaydan and new baby. She is the sweetest little girl and I AM SO GRATEFUL TO HAVE HER.

Our family will be attending Walk to remember to honour little lives lost.
Our life has been touched by the loss of you Jaydan so we will walk to remember and honour you. You are my precious baby boy and you have changed my life forever. I will be sending a balloon to heaven with a message just for you from your loving momma.

I always see this whitish blurry haze in front of my face. I have no clue what to think but I hope it`s your lil spirit staying close by Momma where you belong. Your 1st Halloween is coming up, your 1st thanksgiving and 1st Christmas without you. No one will understand how sad I will be. I wish I could see you again and hold you close and Kiss your cute lil face. I miss you with all my heart.

Bye again Jaydan.
Momma loves you