Walk to Remember was one of the best days I have had in a long time. I can't even describe in words how special and amazing it was (that description is boring compared to how memorable that day was for our family) It made me not feel so alone. The one speech I heard that day I couldn't help but nod my head to every line she said, because it was the exact same feelings I have. I am so thankful for that day. It brought me a little peace. Just like Angel Whispers has. Cindy & Kim, all the amazing ladies I've met are truly the most caring sincere people I've met. We know exactly how each other feels. And what grieving over a little tiny baby feels like. Because if it's never happened to you. or your weren't there to see just how perfect and peaceful our baby was, you can't even begin to understand what we have been through.
What annoys me at this point, is when some family or friends come over and don't pay respect to my Jaydan display. How dis respectful is all I can say. I will leave it at that.......
Jordan and I pay respect everyday to baby Jaydan's urn and display. We are the lucky ones then, to have an angel of protection to watch over us.
October 15th was Infant and Pregnancy loss Remembrance day. A day to spread awareness and Light a candle at 7:00 PM for one hour to honour and remember. Although my pregnancy hormones hit me full force that day, and I kept crying out, I WANT HIM BACK THIS CAN"T be true, I made it through another tough moment. Tyler kept saying you have to be strong for new baby girl, please Lindsay.. I was having a moment, re living the fact that baby Jaydan is never coming back.....
Then Saturday the next day, I had my first official panic attack about new baby girls movements. I couldn't feel her. I did my lying on my left side test and 45 minutes went by and I felt nothing so Tyler rushed me to the hospital and UNIT 15 hooked me up to the fetal monitors and there was that precious sound I needed to hear. 150 bmp THANK YOU GOD. She was just sleeping but woke up after 10 minutes of hearing her heart beating. And then she was rolling, punching and kicking every other second. THANK HEAVENS cuz I was again re living what it was like that night with Jaydan. Tyler and I really enjoyed hearing her heart rate on the monitors for 30 minutes. I think I will re visit unit 15 a few more times just for that reassurance I need.
It will be nine months next Saturday, the length of time you should have been in my womb. I'm going for a 3D ultrasound that day. I just have my fingers crossed baby girl performs. If she is anything like her big sister, she will be performing non stop, but jordan and I are very stubborn and I have a feeling from the last ultrasound new baby girl is going to be just like us..
We really miss you Jaydan. Next weekend should have been your first Halloween. You would have been 7 months, so fun to dress you up as a lil pumpkin or whatever. You would have been the cutest little guy alive. I am so sorry you never had the chance to live outside my womb. I will miss you more everyday and say a pray (prayer) for you always. Jordan sends prays (prayers) to you and lots of kisses. She talks about you every single day to me. And today she told me, I wish I could hold baby Jaydan. So please answer my prayers, and bless us with a healthy baby girl January 2011. I just want to give her the chance to have siblings.
God bless your little soul
Mommy misses my baby boy
oxxxooxxoooxx
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