Embrace the Uncertainty

On the 30th of October it will be nine months since we had no choice but to say Goodbye forever.....
As I lay awake at night and can not sleep, I toss and turn and then baby girl starts kicking and moving around. I start to wonder, what will new baby girl look like? Dark hair? What will her personality be like? Tall and skinny like Big sister? I can't help but imagine and wonder, and one day soon I hope to find out all my answers to my questions. When I was thinking about all the questions last night, I couldn't help but think. I will never have the answers to those questions about baby Jaydan. A woman waits nine months, 40 weeks to seek the answers. I waited my 33 weeks and had all the questions in my head just waiting to find out and now I am still waiting. I will wait a life time to find out all those answers. What would Jaydan look like when he was 2 years old? What would his voice sound like? what would his laugh sound like? His smile? How blue would his eyes be? What would be his favourite toy? All his favourites. I will never know...........

I have been pregnant for over 60 weeks waiting for all my simple questions to be answered. Most women only wait 40 weeks and then their wondering becomes reality and they get the chance to make memories and adore their precious babies. I will never get that chance with Jaydan. How un fair and un lucky for me. Trying to embrace the uncertainty is my new life challenge.

I am just so heart broken that I will wait and wait and never know what Jaydan would be like. All I know he was so active in my womb. When he was born he was perfect and so cute. According to my weekly pregnancy guide a baby 33 weeks gestation should weigh about 4 pounds and that is what Jaydan weighed in at. He was so long so I will guess he would have been tall like his Daddy. I have a feeling his eyes would have been beautiful blue like Daddy, Mommy and sister Jordan. I will never know the sound of his voice and so many other qualities and I just have to except that.
One thing I am hopeful for is, a very long time for now, I will have a baby waiting in Heaven for me. So I will take extra good care of my babies on earth and when it's my time, I will get to take care of a baby in Heaven. I will get to take care of my babies for my entire life on earth then meet up with Jaydan in heaven and take care of him, maybe even find the answers to my questions.

Rest in peace My baby Jaydan
I cry for you & I miss you.
I love you more then anyone will ever know
Bye for now